He Never Promised Me the Snow White Castle, Just the Hut in Africa

We have left our home. It was grueling. It was rough.

My parents are retired. They offered to watch our kids so we could get some stuff done. I dropped the older boys off at 9am, and kept Son3 with us so he could nurse. We sold stuff. We packed stuff. What would a Farmer move be without getting really crazy? Contractors were in our home for two weeks, until less than 48 hours before we moved. They painted the walls. They refinished the entertainment center. They installed new carpet. They built a hutch from wood and granite. We hired a family friend to deep clean the house, and a pool man for the year. My house was beautiful before. It is stunning now. I love it. I miss it.

But it is just a house. And I want our kids to know that.

My parents kept the kids til 9pm the first night. My parents loved it. The kids loved it. We loved it. It sounded like a great idea. So that Grandparents Day Camp turned into 2 weeks of my parents taking the kids every single day. And my parents took them all over town. They rode the trolley to downtown, they watched Toy Story3, and for haircuts. They swam, they baked, and they watched 150 channels of TV. When I lived at home we had less than 6 channels until my sister left for college. My husband lived with 3 channels until he left for college. We had no mercy for our kids when we canceled our TV service. They have grandparents with On Demand.

My kids do not understand now why we moved. They know their Daddy is going to be at Harvard this year. They understand we are moving to Boston. They ask when we get to go home. They ask why we moved.

There is no real way to hide it. Our house is really big. It is a 6 bedroom, 5 bath house. Packing up the house, selling stuff, putting things in storage was a ridiculously monstrous task. The renters requested we leave certain furniture. We did, requiring an additional deposit. Many, many people questioned our decision to not split up as a family, to have the Hubs go to Harvard by himself, to have me stay in San Diego with the kids. After all, it is only for a year. Actually, it is only really for 10 months. But the Powers That Be give the Hubs travel time on either end of our trip. Why, why, why would I take my kids away from family, from "stability?" Was this really good for the kids? Hubs could fly back on his breaks.

When Hubs called to tell me he was accepted as a fellow at Harvard, I asked what his plans were for the family. He did not even hesitate. He said we were going with him. My stomach turned. Truthfully, I had the same thoughts. Was this the right choice? That night, I stood four inches from him and asked if we were making the right decision. He kissed me on my forehead and told me I gave him three beautiful boys. He wanted them AND ME with him for the year. There was no way he was going to be without us. My stomach settled. My heart was at peace. Every woman wants to be wanted. But it goes back to our story of the "Hut in Africa" in front of the Snow White Castle at Disneyland fourteen years ago.

The year was 1996. Hubs and I were dating not too long. On a particular breezy day in California, Hubs and I had gone to Disneyland. While standing in line for rides, we talked about where we had been, where we saw ourselves going. We talked about grad schools. He was a PhD student and I was an undergrad at UCLA. The year before he had just finished his Master's at Columbia University in NYC. He worked for the admissions office while he was there. He told me I probably could get admitted. I started to see stars of an Ivy League degree. I talked my timeline for grad school, what kind of job I wanted, where I saw myself going. And I went on, and on, and on. He was awfully quiet. And I went on, and on, and on. And he was frowning. I asked him what was wrong. He stopped in front of the Snow White Castle. I still remember it so clearly. He asked me what I thought about US. Well, I told him carefully, given MY potential plan, we could be married by 2002. His eyes got really wide. I back pedaled a bit. I reworked MY plan out loud, and said for him, I could see us married in 2000. That was still four years away. He very carefully thought out some words, and spoke sincerely. If I couldn't see myself marrying him for four to six years then I must not be the one for him. I was really shocked. Then I was mad. What was so wrong with wanting what he already had? He explained it had nothing to do with that at all. It was that MY plans did not include him. Essentially, what he was telling me was that I was willing to leave, but not to cleave, the very things God asks us to do in marriage. I was willing to leave being single, but I was not willing to cleave, to be one minded. He did not use those exact words. No, he used a more simple analogy. But in hindsight, that is what he meant. I wanted MY plan, not an OUR plan.

In front of the Snow White Castle, he looked at me and said, "I would live in a hut in Africa to be with you." He said he was willing to put aside his "MY" plan and make it an "OUR" plan. So that has been a mantra in our marriage, living in the hut in Africa. I eventually did complete my Master's from UVA, a public Ivy. He supported me completing my education. He would still support my decision to complete more education, because it would be an OUR plan.

So we are moving to the Boston area together, because my husband promised me he would live in a hut in Africa to be with me fourteen years ago. That is it in a nutshell. We sold much of our furniture, because it is just STUFF. It can be replaced. We rented out our hugest asset because it is just a house. Any damage can be fixed at a cost. But one thing can never be bought, sold, exchanged, or replaced even at a cost is the idea of the hut in Africa.

Yesterday, I shared just a little of my heart with my five year old. When he asked me WHY we were moving, I plainly told him because Daddy is my best friend. I made a promise years ago to him that I would go where he goes, that we would make plans together, and that one day, I hope he marries his best friend, and she goes where he goes. She better be willing to live in a hut in Africa with him, but I didn't lay that on him quite yet.